Will you marry me? Probably no other issue is two people’s lives so much on the head like this. And the question should be answered in the affirmative, the Wedding machinery has already rolled out going, send invitation cards, search for dress, buy rings, rehearsal dinners, booking the honeymoon. During all the plannings you have lost the most important question usually out of sight, Will we be happy? Because if one takes decades, satisfied marriage or one of the third, the divorces, is not related to how spectacular your own wedding is.
The “New York Times” has spoken with several leading marriage counselor and relationship expert on the secrets of a happy marriage. Their findings have been incorporated into 13 questions, the couple before the wedding should provide, including for children planning how to deal with debt if you can suffer the parents of the partner and the importance of sex in the relationship.
1. How did your family behave in dispute: they Throw with plates around, they discussed calmly or simply make them close the Scots?
How much we characterize our family and education, is also reflected in how we deal with conflicts. Therefore, a more accurate look at how their own parents and siblings or partner in dispute situations worth deal with each other because of a relationship, it is essential for survival, how to deal with differences. If disagreements thrashed equal or begins to pout a party early and slams the doors? These findings may provide many references to one’s own behavior.
2. We have children, and if so, you will also change the diapers?
“When it comes to whether you do not want to have children or not, it is important not just to say it, what wants to hear the partner. Before the wedding, the issue should therefore be discussed honestly and in detail. Will you ever have children? If yes, how many? At what point life, and how does each his role before as a parent? You Clarifies before these questions, then there are fewer surprises.
3. We Are the experiences we have made with our ex-partners, help or hinder?
Talks about ex-partners are always such a thing. On one hand, one is naturally curious and want to know about the past life of the partner more. On the other hand, the findings could also provide frustrations or feelings of inferiority.
The people are therefore very hesitant when it comes to their own past. One study showed that people who had many serious relationships have a higher risk of divorce and statistically cause more unhappy marriages.
There are several causes. So it is after many relationships experienced when it comes to separation, also one tends to compare the current partner with former liaisons, usually to its detriment. The best way out is an “intimate, productive discussion”, also had to accept that the partner had a life before you.
4. How important is our religion? And how will we celebrate religious holidays?
If both partners have different religious backgrounds, from couples should be aware of whether and how each lives out his faith. But is much more relevant the question of the faith to educate the children. “It is helpful to have a plan in this matter.
5. Are my debts and your debt? Would you help me out of a jam?
Then of course there is the point of contention money. Both partners should of course know about the financial situation of the other communication, especially if there are debts. Couples should also be clear whether everyone wants to be financially independent or whether there is a common account. And if both incomes vary extremely from one another, you should also talk about this fact. In such a case it might be helpful as to define a kind of compensation for both sides, which would be equivalent to a proportional income.
6. How much money would you maximize for a car, spend a sofa or shoes?
Couples should be a broad consensus in financial matters. Is a financial security important speculates other full risk appetite, the dispute is inevitable. A good indicator of whether you have a common vision, was the purchase of a car.
7. Can you live with that if I do things without you?
In a marriage, wants to strengthen the relationship with the partner, but also to remain independent at the same time. That may be about one’s own circle of friends, or hobbies that one follows without the partner. This is good for oneself, can the partners, but to offend and cause tension. The different expectations when it comes to privacy, should be clarified at an early stage.
8. Do you like my parents?
To the long term to maintain a good marriage, it is essential that you have a good relationship with the parents of the partner or one occurs at least uniformly in case of discrepancies. If a partner on the other hand the problem of the other is not serious, it was a bad condition for a healthy long-term relationship.
9. How important is us having sex?
Sex is an essential part of a good marriage. Thus, there is no slack in bed or one (or even both) is not unhappy, you should speak openly and honestly about sexual preferences and ideas. This concerns both the like, as well as the times. When different things hoped for, you have to negotiate any order at the end of both partners are satisfied.
10. How far we can go when flirting with other people?
It is very important that both spouses know what is allowed in the relationship and what is not, where the boundary runs, each couple must decide for themselves. For some of the harmless pubs Flirt already is taboo for others is sex with strangers no problem. Also in the consumption of pornography should talk to in order to stifle disputes in the bud.
11. Do you know all my ways, “I love you” to say?
That one loves the other, should be understood in a marriage. Nevertheless, it does not hurt to have the knowledge of the partners regularly. About the way the other hand, sometimes a lack of clarity. Couple Therapist Debbie Martinez has prepared a tip here, she identifies different categories of five of affection the verbal confirmation, time spent together, gifts, small favor or physical proximity. Both should indicate on a questionnaire, to which two types they preferred the love show her partner, then they should check what probably selects the partners. This little experiment can quickly evacuate misunderstandings from the world. For possibly the partner says frequently, “I love you” than you think – just in a different way.
12. What do you like about me, and you know what makes me mad?
Especially at the beginning of a relationship, everything is rosy, the partner acts like a soul mate. “It just clicks done. But that simple it is not, unfortunately, the expert says: “A marriage is a lifelong commitment, ideally, there goes a ‘click’ is not enough.” Therefore One should also ask how to respond when the phase of admiration eventually wears off – and how much one is willing to work on the relationship.
13. Where do you see us in ten years?
He does not want to go to the winter holiday part out; they cannot stand the new girlfriend of his brother. It is important that both have the long-term goal in mind.